We are living in a world where we enjoy so much freedom and yet there are so many of us who are afraid to speak out the real truths that lie buried deep within our consciousness. I am not just talking about spiritual truths but the truth of our own lives - what is acceptable to us and what is not.
I have lived most of my life being bold, but not in the way that mattered and counted the most. I was very bold fighting for the underdog, trying to save other people, coming down hard on the bullies, but when it actually came to what was really hurting me, as an individual, I could'nt speak. Usually, I waited till the suppression limit overflowed itself and then the dam would burst!!! Anyone who knows me closely, knows this to be the case. Everything would come out as a barrage of anger, bitterness and resentment. I was afraid to speak because of hurting other people's feelings. But dealing with my emotions was a painful process. I used to cry so much. Till I discovered all of my chronic pains stemmed from repressed anger. And then I decided to do something non medical about it. I started my own brand of inner healing.
Anger is a monstrous animal. You become sub-human and animalistic in your thoughts and behavior. Some people pride themselves for their anger and believe it is "self righteous". I know I did! But anger is anger and it cannot be romantacized or glamorized or be called any other name. There is tremendous energy involved and that amount of energy can be channelised to create a huge space within. Imagine an energetic earthquake taking place within resulting in a wide gaping hole ... wow! ... the amount of space that would be available to make new Self discoveries would be phenomenal!!
Everyone has their own personal technique to use and heal. Mine is distance. I move away completely in the opposite direction because I need space. Lots of space. The replay of events go on for a period of time and I allow it to do so till the memory of it fades away. Forgiveness is the key. I forgive myself for believing all of these perceptions about myself. I forgive others too not for them, but for myself. It makes me feel at peace. And when I feel I am safe to come back to "civilisation", I begin to break down the barriers one by one. At some point I follow it up with some kind communication so that I see it through to the end. Every issue has to have a closure. And then I am done.
As I always love to say, I am a work in progress. I feel a lot less angry and everyday I am dealing with what was my most natural response in the past, by changing its direction and course. One person at a time.
